Restore.

Yes, I am trying to renew my once happy, smiling self. I'm restarting, beginning again.  Today I had a change in my point of view. I heard an idea, a thought, if you will, from my boyfriends 87 year old grandmother who, so far, seems to be invincible. She told me that as we get older we start to remember our past and childhood much clearer than we did when we were growing up. Little memories that we didn't know we even had start popping up and even though we didn't know we had those memories, they somehow help us cope with the troubles of our everyday lives. As soon as she told me this a memory popped into my head about my Barbie themed birthday party when I was around 8 or 9. I remember the pink, white and purple balloons that framed the door way as guests walked in. The Barbie head birthday cake that my amazing mother made for me.  What I remember most is the excitement I felt when my parents told me "close your eyes, we have a big surprise for you."  With my eyes squeezed shut so tight I thought I might not even be able to open them again, my parents pushed in a huge mound of wrapping paper with a huge pink bow on it and told me "ok open your eyes and start unwrapping!" A gigantic smile came across my face as I ripped the paper off. It was a pink Barbie Corvette! I had a pink Barbie Corvette to drive around in with my friends.  My dad and uncles immediately took it outside so I could start driving it on the sidewalk. It was one of the greatest birthday parties I had ever had.  That is one of the many positive thoughts I'll keep for when I feel like I need a boost.  And so I say today is a new day, a new beginning so to speak. I vow that I will never let any negativity get to me the way it has in the past. I will always think positive thoughts no matter what.  Stay positive my friends, it's going to make a world of difference.  See you in the future. -Jackie

Wow

It's been almost an entire year since I've posted a frickin blog, that makes me sad.  I wish I would have remembered this sweet little outlet I have.  Well there's a lot to catch up on so I might as well get started.  Hmmm let me think, the last time I posted it was quite a heavy subject and I hate to break it to you but this ones not going to be any lighter. I know, it's depressing, but it's my life. :/ Let's start off with the tiring 2,000 mile drive from good, wholesome Wisconsin to sunny, nonsensical California. After a short goodbye with my parents, we started off on a nice sunny morning, leaving from my small home town with big hopes and faith that our navigation (a.k.a "the bitch") wouldn't leave us high and dry in a desert in Nevada somewhere. She tends to do mean things like that. As we crossed the state line from Wisconsin to Iowa I realized that I was leaving so much behind but gaining so much in the end. I felt tears of sadness and joy start to well up and with Eddie and our dog Oscar by my side I knew everything would be ok.... After what seemed like a one day trip but was really 4 days, we arrived in California at Eddie's older brothers house where his family was gathered. We were greeted with hugs, smiles and words of joy and comfort. It was a relief to finally be at our destination.   Now let's skip to present day, the end of April 2012 and we're struggling to make our way out of Eddies parents home, which they have so graciously let us stay in and into our own. Now I didn't say 'struggle' to get any kind of sympathy, it's simply the truth. It's much harder to be independent here because the economy sucks and jobs suck and rent sucks and well, basically everything sucks.  Warning! (This is where it gets depressing. Everything I say here is my opinion and I'm not responsible for how it makes you (the reader) feel. No apologies, it's how I feel. These things are NOT between Eddie and I. Eddie is the only good thing I have here besides Oscar.) It's a never ending cycle. I wake up but only get out of bed because I have to eat and because I'll be judged if I stay too long. The negativity and spitefulness here is overwhelming. The stupidity and immaturity is disappointing. The sheer lack of respect and backbone is disgusting. The first few months were fine but now it's just gotten ridiculous. Constantly being verbally attacked and it's not even by strangers. The countless times I've wanted to start packing and GTFO but stay only because Eddie wouldn't go with me. I know that I'm frustrated and fed up and it's clear that Eddie is too. But the shitty part of all of this is that we're stuck here until we have the means to move and from the looks of it, it's going to be awhile.  I have a trip to see my family coming up in May and honestly, I'm afraid that I won't come back. The only reason I'm afraid is because Eddie isn't coming with me to visit so if I were to stay there I would be leaving him behind. I can't do that.  And as I lay here, in bed, typing this I think "when will this nightmare end?"  See you in the, hopefully not so grim, future. -Jackie Quick side note: I'll post some photos later. I can't do it right now because I don't have a computer. And if it's all chucked together, idk what happened! Sorry!